The Answer to All of Life’s Difficult Questions
February 6th, 2010“Only what you take with you . . . and maybe some snakes.”
January 29th, 2010
Jungle Light Speed
January 16th, 2010
When I was a kid, I thought Han Solo said, “Prepare for Jungle Light Speed!” instead of what he really says, which is “Prepare for the jump to Light Speed!”
“Jungle Light Speed” made complete sense to me, however, for two reasons. First, the speed of light is not sufficiently fast enough to travel through space in any reasonable amount of time. Every kid knows that. A speed beyond light speed is required. Jungle Light Speed. Second, jungles were wild, dangerous, hyper, out of control, places, or at least they were in my adolescent mind. So it didn’t strike me as strange that “Jungle” would be used to describe a speed of light that was dangerously heightened beyond all possible limits.
So I grew up believing “Jungle” was both a noun and an adjective. I even used it this way in conversation periodically, which is interesting because, though a fallacy, it generally always works. If someone says to you, “That was jungle crazy!” you are going to think they are an idiot, but you will also know exactly what they mean. “I got a jungle fever” . . . that one probably wouldn’t work.
The funny thing is I’ve met other people who have misheard this line as well and grew up believing that “Jungle” was an adjective. One of them is my good friend Jason Conforto, who is working on The Strawberries of Eldritch with me. So I know it wasn’t just me, or at least I wasn’t the only one. I suspect there are more Jungle Light Speeders out there, like me.
The other funny thing is I didn’t watch Star Wars just once, as a kid. I watched it hundreds of times, and I heard Han say “Jungle Light Speed” every single time. It wasn’t till I was nigh unto an adult when I heard it right, and that was a dark, reality shattering day, let me tell you.
To be honest, I wish Han did say “Jungle Light Speed.” Not only would it give Star Wars an ever so slightly deeper sense of being its own universe, but, once you get your head around it, “Jungle” is an awesome adjective.
A Very Merry Congo B-Day to You and You and You and You!
January 8th, 2010
Projectile Purgus
January 7th, 2010
Agent 44
January 1st, 2010
A CRAAB Christmas Hockey Carol
December 24th, 2009December 22nd 2009, Beverly Building, 2100 hours.
It had rained all day, at one point had even hailed. The unprecedented number of players from all over CRAABdom who were answering affirmatively to the last minute call to arms made the probability of canceling due to inclement weather sting like a raptor kick to the nervous system. However, when I drove by the court at 8 PM it had not been raining for a couple of hours, and though the court was drenched, the water wasn’t pooling and that meant we could play. Hockey was on!
Team Marley, Marley & Scrooge were as good as their word, showing up 30 minutes before any other CRAAB players. The wager this time? The winning team would receive a life altering vision on Christmas Eve night . . . and the losers would receive crippling self-doubt and rusty blades.
Because CRAAB outnumbered Team Marley, Marley, & Scrooge by four players, we divided up into three sub-teams and rotated in.
I would give a play by play description of the sopping wet Hockey that went down between CRAAB and Team Marley, Marley & Scrooge but, in the spirit of the season, I’ll refrain. Instead I will simply say that we lost and Team Marley, Marley & Scrooge left the court that rainy winter night whooping their battle cry and boasting how big the turkeys they will buy for their employees will be . . . once they have their change of heart.
Though the crushing blow of defeat stung like an inclement weather canceled hockey game, it was undeniable that a general feeling of goodwill for our fellow man was palpable in the air . . . which, incidentally, feels exactly like playing a great game of Hockey.
God bless us, every one!
The Katana
December 17th, 2009
Give Me the Almond – Part 5: Arrows
December 12th, 2009After posting Give Me the Almond – Part 2: The Cassette (where I wrote, “As of this writing, Listerine “Arrows” is not available anywhere on-line.”), an angel known only as “Gina” left a comment pointing out that “Arrows” was indeed available on Youtube as part of a longer collection of 90’s commercials.
So . . . Kickyoutube>Download>Final Cut>Chop Chop>Export>Upload to Youtube . . . and the CRAABest convergence of AWESOME in a single commercial is now available on-line for the good of all Mankind.
Thank You, Gina!
Samurai Shyne Ryth Prime
December 4th, 2009
Hockey of Thanks: 2009 – “For the first time since 1945 the World hangs in the balance!”
December 1st, 2009The year 2009 will be recorded in The Chronicles of the Blade as the year that CRAAB Hockey saved Democracy. It was also the first year we had a team to play against.
It was early Thanksgiving morning, November 26th, 2009 when I arrived at Emerson’s Parking Lot. Der Hockey Frau’s manager, “The Major”, already had his players out on the court and warming up when I got there. Of course, I was the first CRAAB member there.
“It’s post-8 AM and your team of Combat Rebels is suspiciously tardy. Perhaps this is some kind of joke?”
“Only a joke on your punctuality, Toht. It’ll be another 45 minutes before enough CRAABs show up to play.”
“Well played, Herr Glass, but it will be the last time you have the upper hand.”
. . . and for the most part, he was right.
The teams were:
Der Hockey Frau
VS
The Defenders of the Free World
The Fraus came out fast and strong, taking a precarious lead over the complacent CRAAB. “Hey, no body checking . . . at least not on purpose!”
By the second water break CRAAB was down by four goals . . . by the third, six.
The nonagenarian Fraus were handing out the seats of CRAAB pants with such an unrelenting efficiency that things were not looking good for us or the American Way of Life.
As the end of the game neared, it appeared that all was lost . . . but remember, that’s when the miracles happen, just like the one that happened that bright Thanksgiving Morning.
Actually, it was a miracle in three parts.
1. Steve “took one for the team” when Major Toht called for a play known as The Face Melter, bringing CRAAB within three points behind the Fraus before losing consciousness.
2. At that moment Josh rolled over in bed, thought about Hockey, and then fell back asleep.
3. Right then the phone rang. It was the President of the United States and he wanted to speak to Caleb McKay.
In a rally of renewed determination CRAAB tied up the score with the Fraus.
“Next point wins”
Three taps on the ground, three on the stick, and the fury was unleashed. CRAAB and the Fraus exchanged control of the ball seventy six times in an unparalleled display of the velocity combat of stick and blade.
Suddenly the ball was knocked high and wide, and when it landed Wesley Burnham was the only one near it. As he lined up the shot, Wesley called on the spirits of of all the turkeys that lost their lives for Thanksgiving 2009 to guide his shot.
“Gestapo Spank!”
The Frau goal tender dropped into the splits reaching for the orange blur . . . “but not today” . . . the ball glanced off the edge of her glove and spun wild through the net-less goal.
“CRAAB WINS!!! CRAAB WINS!!!
LET FREEDOM RING!!!!”
As the Fraus packed up and departed, we all stood for the Pledge of Allegiance. It was said in Mesa that day, that there wasn’t a free dry eye within a 40 yard spread Emerson Parking Lot.
“That was some good Hockey.”
A KA-BAR in Scarlet
November 20th, 2009This much we’ve been able to deduce is true: Boyles’ basement, mid 1990s, Boo was playing Nintendo on the old Zenith Television set when Tim moved silently up behind him with a drawn standard issue USMC tactical knife, or “KA-BAR“, in his hand. Tim then grabbed Boo’s forehead, pulled his head back and pressed the blunt back edge of the KA-BAR against Boo’s exposed throat. The situation escalated to bloodshed when the uncomfortable and disoriented Boo reached up to pull away whatever Tim was holding against his neck and grabbed the sharp edge of the KA-BAR, cutting open his hand. Boo then fled the scene “howling”.
These are the questions we’re still trying to ascertain:
-Was Steve there? If not, where was he?
-Is Boo’s skin weaker than an apple, since Tim holds that his KA-BAR can’t cut an apple?
-Did Josh intentionally or accidentally turn off Boo’s game of Master Blaster?
-Is it true that Tim “did it for no good reason”, as Boo insists?
-What did Steve’s cousin Leslie get for Christmas that year?
One redheaded witness, who “wasn’t there for it” but is a lawyer, was quite certain the whole thing went something like this:
Tim: “I think I’ll go put my Ka-Bar against Boo’s throat.”
Tim’s conscience (The voice of Keith from Voltron): “Why would you want to do something like that?”
Tim: “No good reason.”
Tim’s conscience: “Say no more sir! I’m sure only good will come from this.”
Tim: “Thanks conscience. You’ve never led me wrong before!”
Moments Later:
Boo: “What the HECK! . . . Oh, it’s just blood, no biggie, I’ve bled before.”
Boo’s conscience (the voice of the General from the Iron Giant): “The heck it’s just blood! That’s from your hand! How are you going to play Nintendo now, Mansly!?”
Boo: WhaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
The investigation into this incident continues.
And These Blast Points . . . Too Accurate for . . .
November 14th, 2009
Catalyst of Hockey
November 6th, 2009
The Superhero Game: Genesis
October 30th, 2009The CRAAB version of The Superhero Game (or SHG) was devised in Mr. Bevington’s Westwood High School Art Class sometime in the early months of 1993. Its advent was inspired by the need to avoid doing the actual projects assigned by Bevington. Below is (what could very well be) the first SHG ever played by CRAAB. It was first thought that each subsequent character should be able to defeat the previous character (thus Super Long Cape Man Vs. Super Hardly Can Fly Because of His Huge Cape Stepping Foot Man) but that rule was found to be too limiting and was quickly abandoned. The participants were Jake Parker, Tim Boyle and Kohl Glass.
Pictured: Invisible and Invincible Only While in Corners Man by Kohl, The Fantastic Jello Man by Jake, Outlet Man by Jake, Super Long Cape Man by Jake, Amazing Stick Man by Jake, Helium Breath Man & Super Gum Man by Kohl, Paper Rock Scissors Man by Jake, Lauren Coury Woman by Tim, Super Pulled by Rockets Man by Kohl, Meditation Man by Kohl, The Famous Nose Hanging Over the Edge Super Ninja by Kohl, Bubble Man by Tim, Exit Man by Jake, The Fantastic Trash by Tim, Super Hot Wheels Man by Kohl, Super Hardly Can Fly Because of His Huge Cape Stepping Foot Man by Kohl
Meanwhile on the Planet of the Apes . . .
October 25th, 2009
Buddy Pass 1999
October 16th, 2009
Ten years ago, a member of CRAAB took a PhotoShop class at MCC and created this picture. The assignment was to design a cover for a magazine of the student’s choice. What “magazine” did this CRAAB choose to design for? CraabQuinoX.
In this picture, a then blond, Agent 44 is firing his gun at an off screen enemy while Katana holds onto both Agent 44’s tactical harness and a towline coming from what appears to be a red Bell X-1 flying over New York City. Notice the photo-real detail on the buildings, the plane, and the bottom of the boots compared to the comic-book like rendering of the pictured CRAABs themselves. This was done intentionally to cover the artist’s inability to draw geometric shapes and backgrounds. Notice also the Gaussian Blur aura popping our heroes out from the background. This was a technique heavily used by this artist during, what has been dubbed, his “Filter Abuse Period”.
Upon completion, this piece was given the name of “Buddy Pass” for lack of a better title.
8 1/2 X 11 Paper, Pencil, Pen, Primsa Markers, PhotoShop
Score One for the Congo – Part 5: Brotherhood of the Congo
October 10th, 2009It was not long after, that the Brotherhood of the Congo was formed. This sub-CRAAB fraternity consisted, primaterily, of three members:
Codename: #61
Named after #61 (aka Ham, aka Ham the Chimp, aka Ham the Astrochimp), the first hominid launched into outer space . . . he was also an American. On January 31, 1961, #61 was launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida, into outer space in Project Mercury capsule MR-2. His flight was 16 minutes and 39 seconds long.
Codename: #85
Named after #85, (aka Enos) the second American chimpanzee successfully launched into outer space. #85 flew on board Mercury Atlas 5 on November 29, 1961. During his flight there was a malfunction in the lever for the motor skills test and #85 was shocked rather then rewarded for each correct answer. As a tribute to #85, he continued to perform his required operations correctly despite the repeated shocks.
Codename: Chim-Chim
Named after Chim-Chim the chimpanzee character from Speed Racer.
The primary activities of The Brotherhood of the Congo included (but were not limited to):
1. Fostering an awareness and appreciation for primate culture.
2. Contriving absurd scenarios involving guided tours, the Macarena, and Anthropoids.
3. Saying “Score one for the Congo!”
A Clone told me about this . . . actually, it was a Droid.
October 1st, 2009
My Mutant Friend from the Preexistence
September 25th, 2009“I know you’re not real, but you are my best friend.”
“AROOOOOOOOO!”
“No! That’s not fair! I will be born into a home that is blessed with the Gospel!”
“ARGH ARGH AROOOOOOOOOOOO!”
“Yes, yes! I promise!”
Que Music!
Once upon a time, a prepubescent Boo woke from a dream of hair and lightning. He went to his mother to talk of his feelings about the dream.
“No! It’s not because of a surfeit of video games!” he cried. “There is someone out there somewhere, in a jungle, waiting for me to bring the Gospel to them. My mutant friend from the preexistence! I WILL FIND YOU, MY FRIEND!!!” Boo ran away weeping, and he kept running, as hard, and as fast, and far as he could, until Tim pounded him.
Many years later, a still prepubescent Boo received a very special letter from a prophet calling him to arms in Florianopolis Brazil. “At last, my friend, your wait is almost over!” Boo cried as he ran away weeping.
Two weeks after Boo’s charred and battered corpse was found out in the jungles of Brazil, a letter arrived at his home. In the letter was a single page from Boo’s journal, and all it said was . . .
CRAABTweets
September 24th, 2009If you’ll notice to your right, there is a new Twitter Update widget in the side bar. If all goes well it will be a way for CRAAB to group tweet.
Here’s how it works.
First, follow http://twitter.com/combatrebels – combatrebels has to follow you too but I already went through and followed all the CRAABers with twitter accounts that I knew about.
Second, send http://twitter.com/combatrebels a direct message of whatever you want to CRAABTweet.
Your message will appear on http://twitter.com/combatrebels as well as being sent to all the other followers as a tweet from combatrebels. It’s like http://twitter.com/combatrebels is a little CRAAB only sub-twitter just for us!
But here’s the coolest part and the part that, I believe, validates the existence of http://twitter.com/combatrebels. The Twitter Update widget in the side bar displays all the tweets from http://twitter.com/combatrebels. So it becomes a little tiny 140 character mini-forum right here on craab.com where you can post what you’re doing or thinking . . . or maybe leave feedback about the site even?
Again NOTHING will replace the forum. But for instance, my first post to http://twitter.com/combatrebels was, “I’ve been listening to Radio KAOS all day.” That’s not something I would normally post about.
I’m hoping that http://twitter.com/combatrebels will be used as a tool for small announcements, statuses, feedback, and thoughts that would not normally make a post on the forum . . . or whatever you want to use it for.
Like, “I feel like hopping a fence.”
CRAAB Tank
September 18th, 2009
Tales of a 4th Grade Ninja
September 14th, 2009
Give Me the Almond – Part 4: The Speeder Bike Sequence
September 4th, 2009The essence of Tarzan Boy is, in many ways, velocity. The rhythm alone suggests a smooth accelerated moment around, over, and through a myriad of stationary obstacles. So it was not a huge leap when it was proposed within CRAAB that Tarzan Boy would be the perfect soundtrack for riding an Imperial Speeder Bike . . . anywhere.
One night, not long after, but still long long ago, CRAAB assembled at Steve’s house where the living room was reconfigured to accommodate, what Tim has dubbed, the “VLSA” or an array of very large speakers all connected to a central media source.
At that point:
The Return of the Jedi VHS was inserted in the VCR and queued up to the Speeder Bike Sequence.
The audio on the TV was turned almost all the way down.
The Tarzan Boy cassette was inserted into the stereo with the volume turned up to eleven.
And then . . .
“Play” was simultaneously pushed on both contraptions.
It was a definitive moment, one that will remain a milestone in CRAAB history forever. Watching Speeder Bikes race through the forests of Endor to the strains of Tarzan Boy was pure exhilaration, but the pure exultation came when both the Speeder Bike Sequence and the song ended at the same time.
Or in other words the Speeder Bike Sequence in Return of the Jedi and Tarzan Boy are EXACTLY THE SAME LENGTH!
The discovery both thrilled and awed. It was unanimously believed among the members of CRAAB that this could not, in any way, be a mere coincidence. George Lucas, Baltimora, God, or all three conspired to bring about this epitome of gestalt.
It has been many years since the power of that night and the joy of that discovery and time has faded the memory of it . . . but no more.
It is with a great sense of nostalgic awesomeness and near-debilitating CRAAB pride that I am honored to present to you now:
Give Me the Almond – Part 3: The Almond
August 28th, 2009As a fore mentioned, the advent of Tarzan Boy in CRAAB history preceded the boon of the Internets in everyday American life. Thus, at the time, we were sorely limited to whatever information we randomly stumbled upon, especially in regards to this song.
There was a lot of speculation among CRAAB as to what exactly were the lyrics Baltimora was singing. After much discussion, group concusses landed somewhere around here:
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Jungle life
I’m following from nowhere
On my own like Tarzan Boy
Hide and seek
I play alone the rash across the florist
Monkey business on a sunny afternoon
Jungle life
I’m leaving the open
Native beat that carries on
Burning bright
I fighter bloods the signal to the sky
I see the water dosemessagat to you
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Not tonight
Gimme the Almond, gimme the Almond
Change tonight
Gimme the Almond, gimme the Almond
Not tonight
Gimme the Almond, gimme the Almond
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Jungle life
You’re far away from laughing
It’s all right
You won’t be sold
Take a chance
Leave everything behind you
Come and join me
Montessori
It’s easy to survive
Jungle life
We’re leaving the open
All along like Tarzan Boy
Hide and seek
We play alone the rash across the florist
Monkey business on a sunny afternoon
Not tonight
Gimme the Almond, gimme the Almond
Change tonight
Not tonight
Gimme the Almond, gimme the Almond
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh…
These misquoted lyrics became part of the CRAAB vernacular and even inspired this CraabQuinoX article:
It wasn’t until sometime in the very very late 1990’s that it dawned on me that I could use the World Wide Web to find out what the lyrics to Tarzan Boy really were. I was both disappointed and awed at the truth. Here are the real lyrics.
Give Me the Almond – Part 2: The Cassette
August 24th, 2009It was the days of American flag speedos, florescent blue cummerbunds and inordinate amounts of non-special edition Star Wars VHS. As an employee at Harkins Tri-City Dollar Theater, my all-time favorite movie to sweep up after was Teenage Mutant Turtles III because it featured “that one song from the Listernine commercials”. This was before the Internet granted unto us access to unlimited knowledge and power, so until Tarzan Boy appeared during the closing credit of TMNT III we had no way of knowing the title of the song or who performed it, or even how to get a copy. As it turned out, “Tarzan Boy performed by Baltimora” was released as a cassette single in conjunction with the film.
Best $1.99 I ever spent.
Around this time Listerine/Pixar did something that would have otherwise been thought impossible. They made a follow up Cool Mint Listerine commercial that was even more awesome than “Jungle”. Shifting from Tarzan to Robin Hood, this commercial, titled “Arrows”, began with a series of arrows missing a row archery targets. Suddenly the last target is hit dead center of the bulls eye. A whip pan reveals a Robin Hood like Listerine bottle leaping onto a tree branch. The rest of the commercial is the bottle landing bulls eye after bulls eye while flipping twisting and bounding through the trees . . . all set to Tarzan Boy. It was the pinnacle of Listerine advertising and of commercial production in general.
Jake captured “Arrows” on VHS (the format of choice back then) while recording Navy Seals off the TV. We watched that commercial, shared it, re-watched it, passed it around and watched it again and again and again . . . almost as many times as we played the cassette.
As of this writing, Listerine “Arrows” is not available anywhere on-line.
Give Me the Almond! – Part 1: The Listerine Commercial
August 15th, 2009In the beginning there was Listerine, and in the early 90’s there were commercials for Listerine produced by the then unheard of Pixar Animation. These commercials featured nascent computer animations of Listerine bottles battling unseen forces of bad breath and gingivitis. These commercials were awesome.
Then Listerine/Pixar went and turned up the awesome by about 87% with the Cool Mint Listerine “Jungle” commercial, which not only featured an super cool Listerine bottle swinging through the jungle on vines, but it also introduced a little song called “Tarzan Boy” to the US in general and CRAAB in specific.
Ultimately “Tarzan Boy” (performed by Baltimora) became the official CRAAB national anthem, and we owe to all to this amazing commercial.
Now for a little “Tarzan Boy” history: “Tarzan Boy” is a 1985 Italo disco song recorded by Italy-based act Baltimora. It was the group’s debut single, released in April 1985, from its first album Living in the Background, on which it features as first track. ” Baltimora is often considered a one-hit wonder due to the success they experienced with their first single “Tarzan Boy” only. The song is best known in the United States for the use of its refrain in early 1990s Pixar produced commercials for Cool Mint Listerine which caused it to bounce back into the Billboard Hot 100 chart in March 1993, climbing to #51. The song also appeared in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993) and Beverly Hills Ninja (1997).
The Least CRAAB of Us, The Most CRAAB of Us
August 9th, 2009Once upon a time, before the summer of 1994, but after the summer of 1993, there was a gathering of CRAAB at the Boyles. As common to this period in CRAAB history, this gathering had run late with various members departing into the night at various times to make their way home. I don’t recall all who was there, but by the time Steve was making his way home, Ellery had already departed, and Tim, Jake and I (at the very least) were left at the Boyles.
Suddenly Steve reappeared, visibly perturbed. He told us that he had just seen a skinny black guy who was walking away from him down the street, suddenly turn and sprint into Steve’s house. Steve’s parents were not home and the house was empty, so Steve used the Boyles’ phone to call 911. After being assured that officers were on their way, Steve called his house, let the answering machine pick up, and left a very threatening message to the intruder in his house.
We gathered out in front of the house across the street (the house that would, in the future, be Steve’s house) as a number of police officers, including at least one K-9 unit, responded to the call. A crowd of concerned neighbors formed around us as Mesa’s Finest searched the Crandell home from top to bottom. It was a good and tense 30 to 45 minutes before they reemerged and reported that they had found nothing and the house was secure.
Once the police left, we decided to conduct our own CRAAB search of the premises. We thoroughly searched every room, upstairs and down, the backyard, everywhere. It was at this point, during our search, that Ellery reappeared. “Hey, guys.” “Ellery, you won’t believe this! Steve saw a black guy run into his house and he called the cops and the cops searched the house and they didn’t find anything.” “Well, I was on the roof, and I didn’t see any black guy.” “You were on the roof?” “Yeah, I came over to surprise attack, Steve (Note: a common CRAAB practice in that day) so I climbed up onto the roof. I saw the cops looking around and I just stayed up there until they left.”
A sudden wave of awe and respect rushed through CRAAB. There was no black guy, there was only Ellery . . . he could have been horribly mauled by a K-9 unit, but instead he eluded law enforcement level detection with his bare hands.
But one thing still didn’t fit. Steve saw a skinny black guy run into his house, not a skinny partial Asian. Ellery had no explanation for this. So we had the players go back to their places, with Steve just leaving the Boyles house and Ellery further down the street walking towards Steve’s house. Ellery was pretty much a non-racial silhouette the whole time, except until he walked under a street light and the shadows fell perfectly on his neck and arms making him into, what I would swear was, a skinny black guy. It was uncanny.
It was not long after this time that Ellery, a part time CRAABer ever since I had known him, politely excused himself from further CRAAB activities. I always respected him for that decision. He never seemed all that into CRAAB and thus never seemed all that CRAAB to me . . . and yet he was the only one of us, to my knowledge, to successfully pull off a covert feat of that magnitude.
“That’s tough, kid. That’s double tough.”
When You’re a Professional Pirate!!!
July 31st, 2009
Fare-Thee-Well Hockey: July 18th, 2009
July 19th, 2009
It was the evening of the eighteenth day of the seventh month
Of the two thousand and ninth year of our Lord.
As I walked through the old neighborhood, I heard the sound of blades, and speed,
I felt compelled to walk on and find the place of these sounds,
And when the houses did clear I was standing
On the fabled battlefield of Beverly.
Suddenly a gust of wind came up from the North,
There appeared a lone player, holding a mighty hockey stick,
Then from the east came another, also bearing a hockey stick of power,
And finally from the west, a player who also wielded a great hockey stick of war.
They were few in number but the look in their eyes told all who
Beheld them that they would leave this day
Only in victory or death.
And there was a Great silence…
I watched the three players raise their weapons into the air.
And the three spoke the words of the Hockey Warriors Prayer.
“Gods of Acceleration I call you,
My stick is by my side.
I seek a life of honor,
Free from all false pride.
I will shoot goals with a bold mighty hail.
Cover me with death if I should ever fail.
Glory, majesty, unity
Hail, hail, hail.”
And as I stood and looked on, I heard the
Armies of the world hail them without end,
And their voices of victory carried
Long and far throughout the land
As they met on the battlefield with a mighty clash!
I could feel the ground shake,
The earth drank much blood that day.
Each of the three, was unto himself, a whirlwind of doom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grandfather: Well, that’s it, did you like the story?
Boy: Yeah, it was great!
Grandfather: Oh good, I’m glad. now off to bed with you.
Boy: Grandfather?
Grandfather: Yes?
Boy: Who were those three men?
Grandfather: Who were they? They were Boo, Caleb, and Kohl . . . the HOCKEY KINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!*
So how did we play with three players? By an act of sheer WILL. We played 2 vs 1, rotating after each goal. Surprisingly it wasn’t all that bad . . . though it was exhausting. We only played for a little bit then went swimming at the Lovely Oleander Pool.
This upcoming August marks the first time in the history of CRAAB that there will not be enough consistent hockey players in Mesa to hold “regular” hockey games. What will be Hockey’s role in CRAAB’s future? That is unforeseen. I’m sure The Hockey of Thanks will still be held annually, as will other special hockey events . . . but the casualness of CRAAB Hockey, the, “Hey, I want to play hockey, let’s plan a game for this weekend” is leaving for that special Motorball place. NO!!! I will find a way to keep you alive CRAAB Hockey . . . I will not let you go quietly into the night!!!
*Inspired by The Warrior’s Prayer by Manowar
The CRAAB Life Aquatic
July 17th, 2009
From the Journals of Tim Boyle: 1994 CRAAB Entries
July 13th, 20091-14-94: I am in Pinedale, AZ! Others who are here are Jacob Parker, Kohl Glass, Brandon Shoemaker, Steve Crandell, and Ellery Miller…
1-15-94: Still in Pinedale. We went to the snow today. I got really nailed by a snowball courtesy of Ellery. That really upset me. Oh dear. Now I am tired. Good nite!
1-17-94: I’m back in Mesa. Today, while still in Pinedale, we discovered a small body of frozen water. On this we played hockey with just our shoes for skates, no pards and sticks ripped off trees for sticks, and a small, flat rock for a puck. Everyone got hurt. Yea! Then we came home. I’m glad to live where I live and to have good friends.
1-24-94: We did contours in art today. Mr. Bevington likes them but I hate them. so for my second one, I drew dinosaurs running around a big shoe.
1-29-94: …tonight Steve, Josh & I played Bolo on the net. It was a blast. We kept trying to hide all the pillboxes and writing threats.
2-8-94: …At night we went to an Eddie Basha party. It took Josh & I a long timeto get there becauseI missed the trun off. There was lousy music on the radio the whole time, until right as we parked in the Basha parking lot, “Quinn the Eskimo” or “The Mighty Quinn” came on. Due tot he fact that this is the greatest song on the planet, Josh and I satin the car until it was over. Then we went to the Basha Party. I shook his hand and also made a badge of a Velociraptor saying “Basha.”
2-12-94: I spent last night at Kohl Glass’s house. We drew until 3am. Today I did some work, and this afternoon-nite Kohl, Jacob Parker, Steve Crandell, Josh Boyle and I played roller blade hockey. It was a lot of fun.
2-27-94: …we watched Star Ward and Empire Strikes Back on the bus. I really like those movies, but Return of the Jedi is my favorite. I really want a speeder bike. If I had one, then I would ride it all over the hills that I saw between Sacramento and LA, and I would have Tarzan Boy playing really loud as I rode…
3-13-94: …the 4th Ward musical night. Jacob and I played Vivaldi Sonata in G minor for two cellos. There were other good musicians, but the winner of the nite was the children of Sister Hartwig and Sister Lunt, who wore tree costumes made out of paper bags and sang: “In the Leafy treetops the birds sing good morning” When they said Birds they pulled on a string and pulle up paper birds that were on to of their heads. It was hilarious. Last night, which I forgot to write about, Kohl Glass, Steve Crandell, and I went donuting. We took donuts from a dumpster of Dunkin Donuts and threw them in the back of trucks, etc, and then ended up by toilet papering Stephanie Strong’s yard and making a large pile of conuts in the middle. It was gross because the donuts were sticky & gooey. Horay!
3-15-94: Steve is spending the night. I’d ask him to write you, but he is upstairs playing “Robosport” on the computer. I really love playing Robosport, as it required lots of strategem. Today was a great day of school. NOT! IT SPRING BREAK!
3-16-94: We went donuting again. I’m beginning to feel that its not right. It may have been my last time…
4-16-94: I had a lot of time to draw today and I thoroughly enjoyed that…Josh and his friends made a movie called “The One Eyed Lizard.” I drew the opening credits. I spent some time with Kohl Glass. He is very funny.
4-17-94: It will only be today for 3 more minutes….Josh and I drew pictures and listened to “Yanni Live at the Acropolis.”
5-4-94: Last night I played “Civilization” until 4am. Then I slept instead of going to school…There is a machine parked by city workers in front of Steve’s house. The sole purpose of this machine is to eat concrete – it can eat a street at 7mph. It is an MT-7000.
5-19-94: Its late and I need sleep. Today was my last cello lesson with Mrs. Brittin. Everything in my life as I know it is closing down. I’m not sure about the life to come. Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis died tonight.
5-21-94: It was a saturday and thus there was no school. Jake, Kohl, & I went on a date. We were going to go skiing but the boat didn’t work so we went to Jenni Clark’s (Jake’s Date) house and swam and talked for 4 1/2 hours. It was pretty fun, actually, considering how boring it could have been. I took Becky McCleve and Kohl took Brandi Porter.
6-17-94: Last nite we slept a long time in the woods. The bugs were awful. I have many, many mosquito bites. We returned to the cabin and ate, read, and slept much of the day away. After dinner we made a campfire, roasted mellows, and told lousy ghost stories. I’m thinking that I might be similar to a Steppenwolf, only more of a Steppen-Dinosaur. there are times when I feel very reptilian & ancient. But there is some wolf in me as well. There temperature up here is just fabulous, like butta.
6-18-94: …I think that I’m Ender in the wrong time. Steve doesnt. Here is a problem: Kohl called up and wanted to go to Havasupi. Steve was going too. But I didn’t want to go. Then Kohl didn’t want to go. He talked Steve out of going. Now, why is this my fault?
6-21-94: Jake, Kohl and I went to the mall today. That was very boring….Steve is is mad at all of us because we like to play x-wing on his computer. I guess he thinks we only like him for his computer. I just feel like the biggest failure of a friend right now. I wish I was a better person, but I’m not. I tried and failed.
6-25-94…Jacob Parker, Kohl Glass, and I went to California. I drove the whole way, and it took a long time, we stayed the nite at the Lizonbee’s house (Kohl’s cousins)…The morning of the 23rd we went to Disneyland. We had a pretty good time. We rode Star Tours 2x, Splash Mountain 2x, Matterhorn 1x, Submarines 1x, Haunted House 1x, Thunder Mountain 2x, Skyrides 1x, and Space Mountain 9x. We were at the aformentioned theme park for 13 hours. The biggest flaw was that we went on a day that was completely void of cute girls. Not a one. Flaw #2 is that driving home took a long time due to parking lot traffic, freeway detours, and the fact that neither Jake or Kohl can read a map, nor do they care whether or not we are going int he right direction. I suppose they just assume that by going one way we will eventually get to where we are going. This is not true. Thus I had to read the map on the steering wheel at 1:00am in detoured freeways with dork California drivers. It was a pain. But we got home…Steve and I have made amends and He, Ellery, and I had a good time tonight. I’m glad when I’m on everybody’s good side.
6-26-04 It was Kohl Glass’s farewell. It was funny…
Target Acquired
July 10th, 2009
Score One for the Congo – Part 4: The Macarangus
June 30th, 2009Once upon a 90’s, there were three alleged hatreds that defined the enigma known only as Angus McKay.
They were:
1. Guided Tours
2. The Macarena
3. Anthropoids
The scenario builders of CRAAB would use these big curly haired execrations to weave whimsical fantasies of Angus waking up to find he is on a guided tour where the beautiful guide, ignoring Angus’s pleas, would teasingly lead the group further and further into the jungle. The sentinels of surrounding foliage would rage to life for a split second, and there would be one less person on the tour, until one by one they are all gone, except Angus and the guide. Now it’s getting dark and it’s getting creepy . . . especially when, through the trees, Vincent Price’s voice can be heard saying:
Darkness falls across the land
The midnite hour is close at hand
Creatures crawl in search of blood
To terrorize yawls neighborhood
And whosoever shall be found
Without the soul for getting down
Must stand and face the apes of hell
And rot inside a corpses shell
The foulest stench is in the air
The funk of forty thousand years
And grizzy gorillas from every tomb
Are closing in to seal your doom
And though you fight to stay alive
your doom is inevitable, Angus
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of the Macarangus*
Like horrific poltergeists, massive gorillas emerge from the trees and slowly form a circle around the trembling minstrel. Angus huddles against the tour guide for safety, but recoils in absolute terror as he discovers that she now has the face of a chimpanzee. The gorillas fall in behind her as she starts to chant, “Huma numa nuuuma numa numa Angus!” Together, they move with the perfect unity of one organism, while they:
1. Placeing their arms forward, palm down, right arm, then left arm.
2. Then they turn their arms over so that their palms are up, right, then left.
3. They put their hands on their shoulders, first right hand on left shoulder, then left on right.
4. Then they put their hands on the back of their head, again right, then left.
5. They then places their arms on their hips, right hand on left hip, then left on right.
6. Then the dancer’s hands go on their respective hips or rear end, right then left
7. The routine finishes with a pelvic rotation in time with the line “Hey Macarangus!”
8. Then they simultaneously jump and turn 90 degrees counter clockwise and repeat the same motions throughout the whole song.
The rest is not pretty. Needless to say, afterward, there is valpurgus all over the trees for at least a mile radius. The local indigenous people say that on the darkest nights they can still hear the echos of that night playing along while rushing cross the forest.
Huma numa nuuuma numa numa Angus!
Huma numa nuuuma numa numa Angus!
Huma numa nuuuma numa numa Angus!
Hey Macarangus!
“No, Officer, No Sexual Tension Here.”
June 14th, 2009Did it go in?!!!
Negative, negative, just impacted on the surface.
Wait, where’s Tim and Iris?
They’re over there . . . on the ground.
Ah FETCH!!!!
It was a time of frequent and intense Hockey. The sweet strains of The Touch, Tarzan Boy and Get Out of My Way echoed out over the dusty parking lot of Emerson Elementary, where we swarmed through the night like insects in pursuit of the sport. There was adrenalin, there was velocity, there was camaraderie . . . and there was Tim and Iris.
Sometimes Tim and Iris were on the same team, and sometimes they were not, but they seemed to always end up on the ground together “fighting” . . . but like sea lions.
They weren’t married then . . . in fact, this behavior was observed even before they started dating; back when there was love, but it was mostly unrequited, and a “Just Friends” status that was trying to be maintained.
Normally this wouldn’t be a big deal. I mean, if you want to roll around on the ground in a filthy parking lot with a girl of comparable height, “More power to you!” that’s what I say. But during this period, Tim was topping James McKay’s list and was always one of the first players to be picked. So to have one of your big guns “out of commission” for a handful of goals was a little tiny bit frustrating . . . and if Tim and Iris were both on your team you really got the shaft.
So the rest of us would watch them frolic with a mixture of mild amusement and mild nausea, joking mercilessly to cover the uncomfortableness, and wondering when are they going to stop denying their feelings for one another so we can get back to playing Hockey.
Sometimes when you’re “Just Friends”, being “Just Friends” isn’t enough. Sometimes you also gotta be “Parking Lot Hockey Sea Lion Wrestling Buddies” too.
Mullet Madness
June 5th, 2009
The Mental Blade Cut Through Flesh and Bone
May 30th, 2009The Samurai Creed
I have no parents; I make the Heavens and the Earth my parents.
I have no home; I make the Tan T’ien my home.
I have no divine power; I make honesty my Divine Power.
I have no means; I make Docility my means.
I have no magic power; I make personality my Magic Power.
I have neither life nor death; I make A Um my Life and Death.
I have no body; I make Stoicism my Body.
I have no eyes; I make The Flash of Lightning my eyes.
I have no ears; I make Sensibility my Ears.
I have no limbs; I make Promptitude my Limbs.
I have no laws; I make Self-Protection my Laws.
I have no strategy; I make the Right to Kill and the Right to Restore Life my Strategy.
I have no designs; I make Seizing the Opportunity by the Forelock my Designs.
I have no miracles; I make Righteous Laws my Miracle.
I have no principles; I make Adaptability to all circumstances my Principle.
I have no tactics; I make Emptiness and Fullness my Tactics.
I have no talent; I make Ready Wit my Talent.
I have no friends; I make my Mind my Friend.
I have no enemy; I make Incautiousness my Enemy.
I have no armour; I make Benevolence my Armour.
I have no castle; I make Immovable Mind my Castle.
I have no sword; I make No Mind my Sword.
Samurai Song by Robert Pinsky
When I had no roof I made
Audacity my roof. When I had
No supper my eyes dined.
When I had no eyes I listened.
When I had no ears I thought.
When I had no thought I waited.
When I had no father I made
Care my father. When I had
No mother I embraced order.
When I had no friend I made
Quiet my friend. When I had no
Enemy I opposed my body.
When I had no temple I made
My voice my temple. I have
No priest, my tongue is my choir.
When I have no means fortune
Is my means. When I have
Nothing, death will be my fortune.
Need is my tactic, detachment
Is my strategy. When I had
No lover I courted my sleep.
Just in Time to Save the Day
May 20th, 2009“Hey mister, I lost my dog Grinder!”
Score One for the Congo – Part 3: The Power of Love
May 15th, 2009
In the movie Congo, to which we owe so much, there is a gorilla named Amy who has a machine attached to her hands that speaks for her when she signs. And thus:
“Amy love Josh. Amy love Boo. Amy love Kohl. Amy good gorilla.”
“Amy, what about Angus?”
“Amy kill . . .” and then she says with her own mouth, in her own voice, “ANGUS!”
There were many variations on this, including one where Amy is an unrequited lover of Angus, but Angus’s terror of gorillas makes the torch she bears for him a tragic impossibility.
Then a couple years later Angus married a girl named Amy. I didn’t realize the coincidence until I was writing a letter to Boo, who was serving in Brazil at the time. I was telling him how Angus and Amy were engaged and suddenly it smashed together in my brain so hard I got a nose bleed. “Oh my goodness! Angus is marrying a girl named AMY!!!!!” Only God can write things like this.
However the human Amy is a very nice individual, and due to propriety “Amy love Angus” jokes have faded away . . . but seeing how the joke predated us knowing Amy, I post the below picture one last time.
What if Angus just has a way with the Amys?
The ‘Kain Mali and the Blood Bandits’ Remake
May 13th, 2009
Score One for the Congo – Part 2: Evolution
May 11th, 2009Beware the beast Man, for he is the Devil’s pawn. Alone among God’s primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother’s land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him, for he is the harbinger of death –Sacred Scrolls of the Apes
It was not long after The Beginning that Gorilla humor was flying through CRAAB like poo. Angus, however, remained blissfully ignorant of this new motif. It was a time when 85% of CRAAB was somewhere on a mission, and The Keepers of the Home Fires included Josh, Chris, Angus and myself (and probably Boo too but we weren’t aware of that yet). CRAAB’s new Gorilla humor was founded on the premise that all gorillas maintained a deep-seated hatred/insatiable hunger for Angus. At first the jokes were mostly hypothetical situations in which Angus might find himself encountering a gorilla (or troop of gorillas), but after a few years the parameters of this humor grew to encompass all apes and any simian related texts. It even evolved to the point where Angus didn’t have to be included in the Gorilla humor for it to be hilarious.
Its obvious that our pop-culture has a fetish for ape humor as is, but for me, my appreciation for the hilarity of our hairy cousins didn’t come until the Brotherhood of the Congo Era of CRAAB. I think ape humor has been played out in our pop-culture, people often go for the cheep laugh by sprinkling monkeys on a situation like they sprinkle midgets. But not CRAAB, and that’s because we have a fresh angle; Angus!
For that we will be forever grateful. Thank you, Angus.
Hockey is Not a Crime – Part 2
May 9th, 2009Years upon years, eons upon eons, times a million and you would still not be close to how long we have been bothered by Mesa’s finest. The conflict is old and bitter. – Steve Crandell
Exhilaration goeth before a Fall
May 7th, 2009
Flight
speed across smooth cement
reaching up to hold and kiss you
wind
resisting the slice of your body through the night
the grip of the sphere in your conquering hand
almost there
legs pump
smooth strides toward victory
imagination sparks
laughter calls
Exhilaration goeth before a fall
I sigh and mark another takedown.
- The Motorball Oracle (11/05/01)
A Virginia Free Comic Book Day pic
May 6th, 2009January was the only one brave enough to get a picture with them. The boys were too scared…
Boo’s Free Comic Book Day Experience
May 6th, 2009My Free Comic Book Day experience consisted of rushing past Atomic Comics on my way to Costco. However, while stuck in traffic I did manage to partake on some of the festivities!
“Sorry, but I was planning on painting tonight.”
May 4th, 2009
The True Meaning of Free Comic Book Day
May 2nd, 2009
This year it was Steve, Lyda, Kode, Jim, Todd, Cisco, R2D2, a slave girl Leia, a couple of Jedi, an obese X-Wing pilot (Porkins maybe?), a bunch of Atomic Comics Employees dressed up as X-Men characters, me, and the dude behind me in the picture (who, by the way, screams like a girl when he touches poop). I got Green Lantern: Blackest Night #0 . . . I’ve yet to get anything at Free Comic Book Day that I actually value . . . but that’s not what Free Comic Book Day is about, is it? And thus it was everything I could ever hope for in a Free Comic Book Day.
Josh loves Cats
April 30th, 2009
The Last Unicorn
April 24th, 2009
Score One for the Congo – Part 1: The Beginning
April 22nd, 2009Dr. Savio DSilva of the Internet says: “The fear of Gorillas is defined as a fear of any event, outcome, situation or person that resembles, relates or symbolises “Gorillas” of any form or kind. The fear of Gorillas is a common phobia in North America, Australia, Asia and the rest of the world. Fear of Gorillas is a phobia that affects over 250,000 people in America alone. It is defined as a fear of Gorillas of any form or kind. People suffering from the fear of Gorillas or Gorillas phobia will do anything and everything to avoid Gorillas of any form or kind. Any event, person or situation that resembles, relates to or symbolises “Gorillas” can trigger this fear of Gorillas off. This Gorillas phobia is generally caused by some influence of “Gorillas” in the person’s life through the media, cinema, childhood experiences, family experiences, dreams, books, news events, etc.”
It was shortly after I returned from my mission, Josh and I were walking through Target when Josh picked up a stuffed gorilla and said, “Oooo! Oooo! Angus!” The moment was a normal moment, hilarious, yes, but no more hilarious than the things that we were saying before Josh picked up that Gorilla. What I didn’t know was that my life would never be the same. I asked Josh why he said Angus’s name. Josh told me that Angus was so scared after he watched the movie Congo that he had to sleep in his parents’ room. There it was. The Beginning.
