Score One for the Congo – Part 4: The Macarangus

June 30th, 2009

Once upon a 90’s, there were three alleged hatreds that defined the enigma known only as Angus McKay.

They were:
1. Guided Tours
2. The Macarena
3. Anthropoids

The scenario builders of CRAAB would use these big curly haired execrations to weave whimsical fantasies of Angus waking up to find he is on a guided tour where the beautiful guide, ignoring Angus’s pleas, would teasingly lead the group further and further into the jungle. The sentinels of surrounding foliage would rage to life for a split second, and there would be one less person on the tour, until one by one they are all gone, except Angus and the guide.  Now it’s getting dark and it’s getting creepy . . . especially when, through the trees, Vincent Price’s voice can be heard saying:

Darkness falls across the land
The midnite hour is close at hand
Creatures crawl in search of blood
To terrorize yawls neighborhood
And whosoever shall be found
Without the soul for getting down
Must stand and face the apes of hell
And rot inside a corpses shell
The foulest stench is in the air
The funk of forty thousand years
And grizzy gorillas from every tomb
Are closing in to seal your doom
And though you fight to stay alive
your doom in inevitable, Angus
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of the Macarangus*

Like horrific poltergeists, massive gorillas emerge from the trees and slowly form a circle around the trembling minstrel.  Angus huddles against the tour guide for safety, but recoils in absolute terror as he discovers that she now has the face of a chimpanzee.  The gorillas fall in behind her as she starts to chant, “Huma numa nuuuma numa numa Angus!”  Together, they move with the perfect unity of one organism, while they:

1. Placeing their arms forward, palm down, right arm, then left arm.
2. Then they turn their arms over so that their palms are up, right, then left.
3. They put their hands on their shoulders, first right hand on left shoulder, then left on right.
4. Then they put their hands on the back of their head, again right, then left.
5. They then places their arms on their hips, right hand on left hip, then left on right.
6. Then the dancer’s hands go on their respective hips or rear end, right then left
7. The routine finishes with a pelvic rotation in time with the line “Hey Macarangus!”
8. Then they simultaneously jump and turn 90 degrees counter clockwise and repeat the same motions throughout the whole song.

The rest is not pretty. Needless to say, afterward, there is valpurgus all over the trees for at least a mile radius.  The local indigenous people say that on the darkest nights they can still hear the echos of that night playing along while rushing cross the forest.

Huma numa nuuuma numa numa Angus!
Huma numa nuuuma numa numa Angus!
Huma numa nuuuma numa numa Angus!
Hey Macarangus!

*At being screwed up, no one could beat you . . . but you gave the world The Thriller, so thank you, Michael Jackson.

“No, Officer, No Sexual Tension Here.”

June 14th, 2009

Did it go in?!!!

Negative, negative, just impacted on the surface.

Wait, where’s Tim and Iris?

They’re over there . . . on the ground.

Ah FETCH!!!!

It was a time of frequent and intense Hockey. The sweet strains of The Touch, Tarzan Boy and Get Out of My Way echoed out over the dusty parking lot of Emerson Elementary, where we swarmed through the night like insects in pursuit of the sport.  There was adrenalin, there was velocity, there was camaraderie . . . and there was Tim and Iris.

Sometimes Tim and Iris were on the same team, and sometimes they were not, but they seemed to always end up on the ground together “fighting” . . . but like sea lions.

They weren’t married then . . . in fact, this behavior was observed even before they started dating; back when there was love, but it was mostly unrequited, and a “Just Friends” status that was trying to be maintained.

Normally this wouldn’t be a big deal.  I mean, if you want to roll around on the ground in a filthy parking lot with a girl of comparable height, “More power to you!” that’s what I say.  But during this period, Tim was topping James McKay’s list and was always one of the first players to be picked.  So to have one of your big guns “out of commission” for a handful of goals was a little tiny bit frustrating . . . and if Tim and Iris were both on your team you really got the shaft.

So the rest of us would watch them frolic with a mixture of mild amusement and mild nausea, joking mercilessly to cover the uncomfortableness, and wondering when are they going to stop denying their feelings for one another so we can get back to playing Hockey.

Sometimes when you’re “Just Friends”, being “Just Friends” isn’t enough. Sometimes you also gotta be “Parking Lot Hockey Sea Lion Wrestling Buddies” too.

Mullet Madness

June 5th, 2009

“From the parking lot of an Iron Maiden concert to the parking lot of Dairy Queen, there were few parking lots that the mullet didn’t infiltrate.”

Mullet with Headlights?

The Mental Blade Cut Through Flesh and Bone

May 30th, 2009

The Samurai Creed
I have no parents; I make the Heavens and the Earth my parents.
I have no home; I make the Tan T’ien my home.
I have no divine power; I make honesty my Divine Power.
I have no means; I make Docility my means.
I have no magic power; I make personality my Magic Power.
I have neither life nor death; I make A Um my Life and Death.

I have no body; I make Stoicism my Body.
I have no eyes; I make The Flash of Lightning my eyes.
I have no ears; I make Sensibility my Ears.
I have no limbs; I make Promptitude my Limbs.
I have no laws; I make Self-Protection my Laws.

I have no strategy; I make the Right to Kill and the Right to Restore Life my Strategy.
I have no designs; I make Seizing the Opportunity by the Forelock my Designs.
I have no miracles; I make Righteous Laws my Miracle.
I have no principles; I make Adaptability to all circumstances my Principle.
I have no tactics; I make Emptiness and Fullness my Tactics.

I have no talent; I make Ready Wit my Talent.
I have no friends; I make my Mind my Friend.
I have no enemy; I make Incautiousness my Enemy.
I have no armour; I make Benevolence my Armour.
I have no castle; I make Immovable Mind my Castle.
I have no sword; I make No Mind my Sword.

Samurai Song by Robert Pinsky
When I had no roof I made
Audacity my roof. When I had
No supper my eyes dined.

When I had no eyes I listened.
When I had no ears I thought.
When I had no thought I waited.

When I had no father I made
Care my father. When I had
No mother I embraced order.

When I had no friend I made
Quiet my friend. When I had no
Enemy I opposed my body.

When I had no temple I made
My voice my temple. I have
No priest, my tongue is my choir.

When I have no means fortune
Is my means. When I have
Nothing, death will be my fortune.

Need is my tactic, detachment
Is my strategy. When I had
No lover I courted my sleep.

Just in Time to Save the Day

May 20th, 2009

“Hey mister, I lost my dog Grinder!”

Score One for the Congo – Part 3: The Power of Love

May 15th, 2009

In the movie Congo, to which we owe so much, there is a gorilla named Amy who has a machine attached to her hands that speaks for her when she signs. And thus:

“Amy love Josh. Amy love Boo. Amy love Kohl. Amy good gorilla.”
“Amy, what about Angus?”
“Amy kill . . .”
and then she says with her own mouth, in her own voice, “ANGUS!

There were many variations on this, including one where Amy is an unrequited lover of Angus, but Angus’s terror of gorillas makes the torch she bears for him a tragic impossibility.

Then a couple years later Angus married a girl named Amy. I didn’t realize the coincidence until I was writing a letter to Boo, who was serving in Brazil at the time. I was telling him how Angus and Amy were engaged and suddenly it smashed together in my brain so hard I got a nose bleed. “Oh my goodness! Angus is marrying a girl named AMY!!!!!” Only God can write things like this.

However the human Amy is a very nice individual, and due to propriety “Amy love Angus” jokes have faded away . . . but seeing how the joke predated us knowing Amy, I post the below picture one last time.

What if Angus just has a way with the Amys?

The ‘Kain Mali and the Blood Bandits’ Remake

May 13th, 2009

Score One for the Congo – Part 2: Evolution

May 11th, 2009

Beware the beast Man, for he is the Devil’s pawn. Alone among God’s primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother’s land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him, for he is the harbinger of death –Sacred Scrolls of the Apes

It was not long after The Beginning that Gorilla humor was flying through CRAAB like poo. Angus, however, remained blissfully ignorant of this new motif. It was a time when 85% of CRAAB was somewhere on a mission, and The Keepers of the Home Fires included Josh, Chris, Angus and myself (and probably Boo too but we weren’t aware of that yet). CRAAB’s new Gorilla humor was founded on the premise that all gorillas maintained a deep-seated hatred/insatiable hunger for Angus. At first the jokes were mostly hypothetical situations in which Angus might find himself encountering a gorilla (or troop of gorillas), but after a few years the parameters of this humor grew to encompass all apes and any simian related texts. It even evolved to the point where Angus didn’t have to be included in the Gorilla humor for it to be hilarious.

Its obvious that our pop-culture has a fetish for ape humor as is, but for me, my appreciation for the hilarity of our hairy cousins didn’t come until the Brotherhood of the Congo Era of CRAAB. I think ape humor has been played out in our pop-culture, people often go for the cheep laugh by sprinkling monkeys on a situation like they sprinkle midgets. But not CRAAB, and that’s because we have a fresh angle; Angus!

For that we will be forever grateful. Thank you, Angus.

Hockey is Not a Crime – Part 2

May 9th, 2009

Years upon years, eons upon eons, times a million and you would still not be close to how long we have been bothered by Mesa’s finest. The conflict is old and bitter. – Steve Crandell

Exhilaration goeth before a Fall

May 7th, 2009

Flight
speed across smooth cement
reaching up to hold and kiss you
wind
resisting the slice of your body through the night
the grip of the sphere in your conquering hand
almost there
legs pump
smooth strides toward victory
imagination sparks
laughter calls
Exhilaration goeth before a fall

I sigh and mark another takedown.

- The Motorball Oracle (11/05/01)