Aeronautical Design/Legal Doodle Art

November 10th, 2011

We Have Ways

November 3rd, 2011

Batman: The CRAAB Casebook – Return of the Lister

October 29th, 2011

When the police found a shopping list of the greatest deafblind inspirational speakers ever and Helen Keller wasn’t even on it, Batman knew The Lister was back.  After a number of blatant list crimes of cat and mouse, things turned desperate and Batman dropped Mangus Bostitch into a pit of rabies and gorillas, only to find out Mangus didn’t know anything.  Then a list, written in body hair, was delivered to Commissioner Gordon.  It read, “Best Crime Fighters in Gotham City: 1. Batgirl 2. Azrael 3. Robin 4. The Creeper 5. Nightwing . . . ” Batman anxiously looked for his name . . . it wasn’t there. Batman scoured the Gotham underworld, beating the CRAAP out of every Mit Cloverfiled he could find, but . . . nothing.  Then another list came, also written in body hair: “Top Super-Villains Really Sorry for Making Evil Lists” and The Lister’s name wasn’t on it.  Batman almost broke his oath never to kill, he was so mad.  But then he noticed the body hair . . . it was obviously not human.  A further study at the Batcave revealed that the body hair’s owner was either a primate or someone who suffered from really high blood pressure caused by chronic cousin terror.  With this new psychological profile, Batman was able to track down and beat the CRAAP out of The Lister . . . who lived happily ever after in Arkham Asylum.  But not Batman, he had to fight crime for the rest of his life . . . but that’s what makes him so great.

The End

Our Super Friend

October 2nd, 2011

The Plomise – The CRAAB Forum Remix

April 21st, 2011

If you’re a dying friend,
don’t look to a thousand healthy strangers,
You know in the end,
I’ll always be there.

And when you’re out of state,
and when you’re too busy to hang,
Take a look online,
and I’ll be there.

I’m sorry but I’m just thinking of the right words to say, (I plomise)
I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be. (I plomise)
But if you wait around a while, you’ll eventually stop being mad at me,
I plomise, I plomise you will.

When your day is through,
and so is your temper,
You know what to do,
I’m gonna always be there.

Sometimes if I post crap,
it’s not what’s intended.
These words just come out,
with no gripe to bear.

I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say. (I cromise)
I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be. (I cromise)
But if you wait around a while, you’ll eventually stop being mad at me,
I cromise, I cromise you…

I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say. (I plomise)
I know they don’t sound the way I penned them to be. (I plomise)

And if I had to walk the world, I’d make you forgive me,

I plomise you, I cromise you I will.

I gotta tell ya, I need to tell ya, I gotta tell ya, I gotta tell yaaaa …

I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say. (I plomise)
I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be. (I plomise)
But if you wait around a while, you’ll eventually stop being mad at me,
I plomise you, I plomise you…

I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking of the right words to say. (I cromise)
I know they don’t sound the way I penned them to be. (I cromise)
But if you wait around a while, you’ll eventually stop being mad at me,
I plomise you, I cromise you will …
You will…
You will…
You will…

Batman Beyond: The CRAAB Casebook – Adventure of the Priceless Dinosaur-Shark with a Testimony Statue

March 26th, 2011

Once upon a time, forty years in the future, there was a famous sculptor who made a priceless dinosaur-shark with a testimony statue out of organtic peanut butter and apples.  But on the night of the unveiling, the sculptor was murdered and the statue was stolen.   So the now retired Bruce Wayne sent the new Batman, Terry McGinnis to investigate the Lollipop Guild Leader, now a prepubescent geriatric, who wanted nothing to do with Batman or his sordid, seedy, lecherous past which he’s tried for forty years to put behind him.  It all seemed like a dead end, but Bruce still suspected that rascally old Lollipop Guild Leader (his real name was Mit Cloverfield). Then Terry discovered that Lollipop Guild Leader was actually the one that sculpted the priceless dinosaur-shark with a testimony organtic peanut butter and apples statue and the previously-not-murdered “sculptor” was blackmailing him (with his sordid, seedy, lecherous past) into letting him take credit for his art so Batman beat the tar out of him. Eventually, the Lollipop Guild Leader confessed that he could take no more and hired the new Killer Moth to murder his blackmailer and steal back the priceless dinosaur-shark with a testimony organtic peanut butter and apples statue.  The Lollipop Guild Leader spent the rest of his days in jail, happy making his art and finally getting credit for it . . . and they all lived happily ever after . . . except Batman, who had to fight crime for the rest of his life, but that’s what makes him so great.

The End

 

Hockey of Thanks: 2010 – Return of the Beta One Chrononaut

March 18th, 2011

Kohl: No, no, no, Doc, we just got here, OK, Mike Sokiveta’s here; we’re gonna play some hockey.

Doc: Well, bring him along. This concerns him too.

Boo: Wait a minute, Doc. What are you talking about? What happens to us in the future? What, do we become <Explicative Deleted> or something?

Doc: No, no, no, no, no, Boo, both you and CRAAB turn out fine. It’s the one you call Samurai Steve, aka The Ryth, aka Shyne, aka Prime. Something has got to be done about Steve Crandell!

In a flash the Doc had a newspaper clipping out from his radiation suit and under their noses.

Doc: I’ve traced the events that lead to the complete collapse of society back to THIS VERY GAME OF STREET HOCKEY!

Kohl: So what do we do, Doc?

Doc: It is absolutely imperative that you do not allow Steve to score a single goal today!

Everyone: Whaaaaaaaaaa?!!!

Boo: Uh, Doc? Steve has never once in all the seventeen years that we’ve played hockey NOT scored a goal.

Kohl: Yeah, he’s consistently dominated the top spot on James McKay’s list. YOU ASK THE IMPOSSIBLE!

Doc: I don’t care how you do it. Just don’t let him score!!! Life as we know it depends on it!

<FASHHH! FASHH! FAAAASHHHHHHHHHH!!!!>

. . . And he was gone.

Boo: What are we going to do?

Kohl: Well maybe Steve won’t show up?

Steve: Hey, guys!

And thus the teams were drawn up and, tepidly, our heroes began what quickly became the oddest and most trying game of Hockey they ever encountered.

Kohl: OK, I think I’m done.

Boo: Good Hockey everyone!

Steve: I don’t know if you guys noticed, but . . . I didn’t score.

Boo: What?!!!

Kohl: You didn’t?!!!

Steve: Not once. That’s never happened to me.

Kohl: Huh . . . Well, it happens to me all the time.

Boo: Not me.

Steve: Well, I’m taking off.

Boo: See you later, Steve!

Steve: Later.

Kohl: Wait for it . . .

<VOMIT EVERYWHERE>

GOOD HOCKEY, HAPPY THANKSGIVING, and a MERRY NON-ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, EVERYONE!

Batman: The CRAAB Casebook – The Great Gotham Gorillacide

January 24th, 2011

Once upon a time, all the Gorillas  in Gotham City (both the hyper-intelligent kind and the regular yet still awesome kind) were being murdered one by one. Batman thought it was the gorilla-phobe Mangus Bostitch at first, but later found out that it was actually the Lollipop Guild framing Mangus.  But Batman had already pummeled Mangus horribly before he figured that out.  Anyway, they all lived happily ever after, except Batman, who had to fight crime for the rest of his life, but that’s what makes him so great . . . and Mangus, because his paranoia was not unfounded.

Short and Evenly Tapered yet Long Enough to Part and Comb to the Side or Back

November 9th, 2010

Batman: The CRAAB Casebook – The Lecherous League of the Lollipop Guild

October 22nd, 2010

Once upon a time, there was a rash of crimes across Gotham City that all involved unicorn and baby chicken motifs.  It didn’t take long for Batman to figure out that the Lollipop Guild was behind it all.  Actually, it was Robin who figured it out because Batman had better things to do than deal with the sillier criminal element. Anyway, the Lollipop Guild was made up of three blond headed brothers and Batman punched the leader so hard it changed his brothers’ hair color; one to red and one to brown.  See Batman was so smart that he figured out that pummeling the Lollipop Gang Leader would change the brothers’ hair color and thus destroy the Unicorn Club Mind Control Devices he made them implant in their ears.  Once that was done, the now freed brothers beat the oldest brother into perpetual prepubescence.  They all tried to move on from the incident and heal as best they could.  The red headed brother took up law, the brown headed brother went back to school to play video games, and the leader of the group made dolls . . . and they all lived happily ever after . . . except Batman, who had to fight crime for the rest of his life, but that’s what makes him so great.

Eponymous Blasphemous

October 20th, 2010

I AM THE LAW . . . yer

October 1st, 2010

by Josh Boyle (circa 1995)

The 2nd Drawing of Katana . . . EVER

September 18th, 2010

by Kohl Glass (1994)

P.S. Here is the first.

TWIST!!!

August 29th, 2010

Give Me the Almond – Part 6: Fan Art & Cover Versions

August 20th, 2010

by Kohl Glass (1993)

As a bonus, here are two inferior cover versions of the CRAAB Anthem Tarzan Boy:


bluz et bongo – tarzan boy
Asculta mai multe audio Muzica


Ian Lex – Tarzan boy
Asculta mai multe audio Muzica

Jet Dog: The Screaming Dead

August 3rd, 2010

by Josh Boyle (circa 1995)

Enter the Stippled Dragon

July 10th, 2010

How much CRAABness can you find hidden in this picture?
by Tim Boyle (1994)

Reluctantly

July 3rd, 2010

by Kohl Glass (2001)

The Motorball Court as Seen from Space

June 27th, 2010

One of Many Past Incarnations

June 18th, 2010

by Kohl Glass (2001)

Space Marines are Awesome

June 11th, 2010

Space Marine by Josh Boyle (circa 1995)

Uh . . . Well

June 7th, 2010

Once at Steve’s Cabin this was the week’s most repeated (mis)quote:

You were the Kid

May 27th, 2010

You were the kid who infiltrated my house and left cryptic messages.

You were the kid who spent an hour of Hockey time looking for batteries so we could play to Tarzan Boy.

You were the kid who laid in bed, excitement barely containable and completely wide awake, just because he thought of an idea for the next CraabQuinoX.

You were the kid who couldn’t skate fast enough until he got to where the rest of Craab was hanging out, and then was content to sit around for the rest of the night, laughing, and drinking milk shakes.

You were the kid who believed that the pain of MotorBall is a blessing of liberation.

You were the kid who, bathed in star light, analyzed dates on a trampoline in the backyard.

You were the kid who felt life burning along his spine as he crouched, hidden from those who hunted him.

You were the kid who was the CRAAB of yester-year.

And, deep down, you still are.

Adapted from “I am the Kid” written 08/13/2002
Photo of CRAAB taken 10/03/1995

Lighter-Than-Air Transdimensional CRAAB-Ship

May 21st, 2010

by Kohl Glass (2001)

Search for Lolli-Rep Called Off

May 14th, 2010

From the Old Craab Forum 08/09/02 11:02:20

The search for Tim Boyle was called off today when multiple posts evidently written by Tim began showing up on the Craab Forum. Police were surprised that the Craab Member who filed the missing persons report actually lived in Utah and has no knowledge of Tim’s daily routine. “I was worried, but most of all I missed him . . . on the Forum that is. I actually saw him in person this last week.” The police are also trying to determine exactly where Tim has been during this time. New reports have revealed that Tim’s brother Josh actually knew more than he said in his first questioning. “Last time I saw Tim, he was hitting me. Just hitting me absolutely for no reason. Totally unprovoked. I must have passed out when my spleen burst cause after that he was gone. This time I am telling the truth.” There has been some controversy over who should be awarded the reward. There have been a number of Craab members who have stepped forward to claim the prize. “They only want it so they can bug me” said Tim Boyle, “Since I was never really missing I think I should receive the reward.” Many are just relieved that the ordeal is over and things are back to normal.

-Associated Press

Experience . . .

May 7th, 2010

Join the “You! The one who is moving now, Experience BIJ !!!” FaceBook Group

Titian Du Jour

April 29th, 2010

Single Handed Sonic Boom?!!!

April 23rd, 2010

Jake said, “Hey, Mr. Bevington! Wanna to see what I drew over the summer?” and Bev said, “Always, Jake. You’re my most bestest favoritest dolly-partonest student in the whole Solar System!” Pulling out the picture (below), Jake said, “Artgasm on this!!!”

. . . and then with all his superhuman strength Bev screamed, and the word Bev screamed was “HERESY!!!” and it was so mighty that it was heard as far as the Wedge.



by Jake Parker (1993)

Lollipop Guild Representative Missing

April 15th, 2010

From the Old Craab Forum 08/09/02 09:27:08

The intelligence society was shocked yesterday when an anonymous source reported that a long time member of Craab and Lollipop Guild activist, is missing. When questioned about the time of disappearance the anonymous source who filed the report said, “Tim is not what we would call, ‘A Tall Man.’ We didn’t realize he was missing until . . . well, he was missing.” The missing Craab member is believed to be wearing a pair of green Berkenstocks and a long night shirt that says, “Brush your Baleen” on the belly. Tim Boyle’s wife Iris says she is mainly worried because, “I found the clean underwear I set out for him on the bed and I don’t think he has had his nap.” When asked about the possibility of foul play in connection with the number of opinions he is able to generate she replied, “I think that would be widening not narrowing the suspects.”

Since his disappearance there has been a reward offered for any information leading to Tim’s safe return. The head inspector of the case describes the reward, “It’s plush, has one horn and looks like a pony. That’s all I can say right now.” There have already been a few individuals to step forward and claim that they are Tim Boyle. Josh Boyle, Tim’s younger brother, has been in charge of the screening process. “We had one guy in here who was pretty good.” said Josh, “He was the right short. He had a piece of gunk under the skin on his calf like Tim. He even smelled like Tim, if that is even reproducible. He had me fooled until he turned to me and said, ‘Hey Josh wanna play Unicorn Club?’ You see Tim liked Besties not Unicorns. Tim was the president of the Besties Club and me and my little brother Jacob LOVED playing with him. So I had him cained and then sent on his way with some scraps from the compost heap.” So far there have been no leads on Tim’s disappearance, however his various connections with Leprechauns, Baby Ducks and Girls with Testimonies are being heavily investigated. The police ask that if anyone knows anything about Tim Boyle’s disappearance or whereabouts please contact them through the Craab Forum.

-Associated Press

Rise and Shyne

April 10th, 2010

by Kohl Glass (2001)

The CRAAB CD

April 2nd, 2010























1. Tarzan Boy – Baltimora
2. The Touch – Stan Bush
3. Going the Distance – Cake
4. Ame Ga Furu – The Boom
5. Get Out of My Way – D Rok
6. Yoda – Weird Al Yankovic
7. Mission Impossible – U2
8. Mummer’s Dance – Loreena McKennitt
9. Spider – They Might be Giants
10. Mortal Kombat – Immortals
11. Cricket – Mannheim Steamroller
12. Renegade – D Rok
13. Kung Fu Fighting – Carl Douglas
14. Transformers – Lion
15. The Mighty Quinn (Freedom Rock/Bij Version) – Manfred Mann
16. Tubthumping – Chumbawumba
17. Shima Utau – The Boom
44. The Last Unicorn – Kenny Loggins

The Motorball Court

March 26th, 2010

Drawn entirely from memory in 2001

Father and Son Combat Rebels

March 19th, 2010

by Tim Boyle (2001)

Gently Crouched

March 12th, 2010

Impending Chrono Shift Stroke Paranoia

March 4th, 2010

February 26th, 2010

by Kohl Glass (2001)

I’m Obviously the Champ Forever Infinity plus Nine

February 19th, 2010

Navy SEALs are Awesome!

February 12th, 2010

The Answer to All of Life’s Difficult Questions

February 6th, 2010

“Only what you take with you . . . and maybe some snakes.”

January 29th, 2010

Return of the Platypus by Jake Parker (circa 1999)

Jungle Light Speed

January 16th, 2010

When I was a kid, I thought Han Solo said, “Prepare for Jungle Light Speed!” instead of what he really says, which is “Prepare for the jump to Light Speed!”

“Jungle Light Speed” made complete sense to me, however, for two reasons. First, the speed of light is not sufficiently fast enough to travel through space in any reasonable amount of time. Every kid knows that. A speed beyond light speed is required. Jungle Light Speed. Second, jungles were wild, dangerous, hyper, out of control, places, or at least they were in my adolescent mind. So it didn’t strike me as strange that “Jungle” would be used to describe a speed of light that was dangerously heightened beyond all possible limits.

So I grew up believing “Jungle” was both a noun and an adjective. I even used it this way in conversation periodically, which is interesting because, though a fallacy, it generally always works. If someone says to you, “That was jungle crazy!” you are going to think they are an idiot, but you will also know exactly what they mean. “I got a jungle fever” . . . that one probably wouldn’t work.

The funny thing is I’ve met other people who have misheard this line as well and grew up believing that “Jungle” was an adjective. One of them is my good friend Jason Conforto, who is working on The Strawberries of Eldritch with me. So I know it wasn’t just me, or at least I wasn’t the only one. I suspect there are more Jungle Light Speeders out there, like me.

The other funny thing is I didn’t watch Star Wars just once, as a kid. I watched it hundreds of times, and I heard Han say “Jungle Light Speed” every single time. It wasn’t till I was nigh unto an adult when I heard it right, and that was a dark, reality shattering day, let me tell you.

To be honest, I wish Han did say “Jungle Light Speed.” Not only would it give Star Wars an ever so slightly deeper sense of being its own universe, but, once you get your head around it, “Jungle” is an awesome adjective.

A Very Merry Congo B-Day to You and You and You and You!

January 8th, 2010

Projectile Purgus

January 7th, 2010

Agent 44

January 1st, 2010

by Jake Parker (2001)

A CRAAB Christmas Hockey Carol

December 24th, 2009

December 22nd 2009, Beverly Building, 2100 hours.

It had rained all day, at one point had even hailed.  The unprecedented number of players from all over CRAABdom who were  answering  affirmatively to the last minute call to arms made the probability of canceling due to inclement weather sting like a raptor kick to the nervous system.  However, when I drove by the court at 8 PM it had not been raining for a couple of hours, and though the court was drenched, the water wasn’t pooling and that meant we could play. Hockey was on!

Team Marley, Marley & Scrooge were as good as their word, showing up 30 minutes before any other CRAAB players.  The wager this time? The winning team would receive a life altering vision on Christmas Eve night . . . and the losers would receive crippling self-doubt and rusty blades.

Because CRAAB outnumbered Team Marley, Marley, & Scrooge by four players, we divided up into three sub-teams and rotated in.

I would give a play by play description of the sopping wet Hockey that went down between CRAAB and Team Marley, Marley & Scrooge but, in the spirit of the season, I’ll refrain. Instead I will simply say that we lost and Team Marley, Marley & Scrooge left the court that rainy winter night whooping their battle cry and boasting how big the turkeys they will buy for their employees will be . . . once they have their change of heart.

Though the crushing blow of defeat stung like an inclement weather canceled hockey game, it was undeniable that a general feeling of goodwill for our fellow man was palpable in the air . . . which, incidentally, feels exactly like playing a great game of Hockey.

God bless us, every one!

The Katana

December 17th, 2009

by Jake Parker (2001)

Give Me the Almond – Part 5: Arrows

December 12th, 2009

After posting Give Me the Almond – Part 2: The Cassette (where I wrote, “As of this writing, Listerine “Arrows” is not available anywhere on-line.”), an angel known only as “Gina” left a comment pointing out that “Arrows” was indeed available on Youtube as part of a longer collection of 90′s commercials.

So . . . Kickyoutube>Download>Final Cut>Chop Chop>Export>Upload to Youtube . . . and the CRAABest convergence of AWESOME in a single commercial is now available on-line for the good of all Mankind.

Thank You, Gina!

Samurai Shyne Ryth Prime

December 4th, 2009

by Jake Parker (2001)

Hockey of Thanks: 2009 – “For the first time since 1945 the World hangs in the balance!”

December 1st, 2009

The year 2009 will be recorded in The Chronicles of the Blade as the year that CRAAB Hockey saved Democracy. It was also the first year we had a team to play against.

It was early Thanksgiving morning, November 26th, 2009 when I arrived at Emerson’s Parking Lot. Der Hockey Frau‘s manager, “The Major”,  already had his players out on the court and warming up when I got there. Of course, I was the first CRAAB member there.

“It’s post-8 AM and your team of Combat Rebels is suspiciously tardy. Perhaps this is some kind of joke?”

“Only a joke on your punctuality, Toht. It’ll be another 45 minutes before enough CRAABs show up to play.”

“Well played, Herr Glass, but it will be the last time you have the upper hand.”

. . . and for the most part, he was right.

The teams were:

Der Hockey Frau

VS

The Defenders of the Free World


The Fraus came out fast and strong, taking a precarious lead over the complacent CRAAB. “Hey, no body checking . . . at least not on purpose!”

By the second water break CRAAB was down by four goals . . . by the third, six.

The nonagenarian Fraus were handing out the seats of CRAAB pants with such an unrelenting efficiency that things were not looking good for us or the American Way of Life.

As the end of the game neared, it appeared that all was lost . . . but remember, that’s when the miracles happen, just like the one that happened that bright Thanksgiving Morning.

Actually, it was a miracle in three parts.
1. Steve “took one for the team” when Major Toht called for a play known as The Face Melter, bringing CRAAB within three points behind the Fraus before losing consciousness.
2. At that moment Josh rolled over in bed, thought about Hockey, and then fell back asleep.
3. Right then the phone rang. It was the President of the United States and he wanted to speak to Caleb McKay.

In a rally of renewed determination CRAAB tied up the score with the Fraus.

“Next point wins”

Three taps on the ground, three on the stick, and the fury was unleashed. CRAAB and the Fraus exchanged control of the ball seventy six times in an unparalleled display of the velocity combat of stick and blade.

Suddenly the ball was knocked high and wide, and when it landed Wesley Burnham was the only one near it. As he lined up the shot, Wesley called on the spirits of of all the turkeys that lost their lives for Thanksgiving 2009 to guide his shot.

“Gestapo Spank!”

The Frau goal tender dropped into the splits reaching for the orange blur . . . “but not today” . . .  the ball glanced off the edge of her glove and spun wild through the net-less goal.

“CRAAB WINS!!! CRAAB WINS!!!

LET FREEDOM RING!!!!”

As the Fraus packed up and departed, we all stood for the Pledge of Allegiance.  It was said in Mesa that day, that there wasn’t a free dry eye within a 40 yard spread Emerson Parking Lot.

“That was some good Hockey.”

A KA-BAR in Scarlet

November 20th, 2009

This much we’ve been able to deduce is true: Boyles’ basement, mid 1990s, Boo was playing Nintendo on the old Zenith Television set when Tim moved silently up behind him with a drawn standard issue USMC tactical knife, or “KA-BAR“, in his hand. Tim then grabbed Boo’s forehead, pulled his head back and pressed the blunt back edge of the KA-BAR against Boo’s exposed throat. The situation escalated to bloodshed when the uncomfortable and disoriented Boo reached up to pull away whatever Tim was holding against his neck and grabbed the sharp edge of the KA-BAR, cutting open his hand. Boo then fled the scene “howling”.

These are the questions we’re still trying to ascertain:
-Was Steve there? If not, where was he?
-Is Boo’s skin weaker than an apple, since Tim holds that his KA-BAR can’t cut an apple?
-Did Josh intentionally or accidentally turn off Boo’s game of Master Blaster?
-Is it true that Tim “did it for no good reason”, as Boo insists?
-What did Steve’s cousin Leslie get for Christmas that year?

One redheaded witness, who “wasn’t there for it” but is a lawyer, was quite certain the whole thing went something like this:

Tim: “I think I’ll go put my Ka-Bar against Boo’s throat.”

Tim’s conscience (The voice of Keith from Voltron): “Why would you want to do something like that?”

Tim: “No good reason.”

Tim’s conscience: “Say no more sir! I’m sure only good will come from this.”

Tim: “Thanks conscience. You’ve never led me wrong before!”

Moments Later:

Boo: “What the HECK! . . . Oh, it’s just blood, no biggie, I’ve bled before.”

Boo’s conscience (the voice of the General from the Iron Giant): “The heck it’s just blood! That’s from your hand! How are you going to play Nintendo now, Mansly!?”

Boo: WhaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

The investigation into this incident continues.